FREDONIA FOOTBALL GOES TO THE OLYMPICS: PERFORMANCE WAS LESS THAN GREAT

Posted: August 5, 2013 in Selected articles from Fall 2012
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By Thomas Dean, Sports Editor

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The Fredonia, Fightin’ Blue Devils!

The Fredonia fightin’ Devils touched down in Heathrow this summer to participate in the 2012 Olympic Games following a whirlwind 1-0 season that placed them above the 0-1 Dunkirk Dunkaroos in the national Y-Division ladder. After what we assume was a terrible Olympian secretarial mistake secured them an invite of a lifetime, Kyle Kozak (the team’s kicker) had this to say:

“We never thought we’d make it to the Olympics! Who would have thought our inter-mural football team could ever receive that kind of attention? We don’t even have a field! We have one game a year in the Wal-mart parking lot!”

Tensions were high as the players donned their equipment and stepped out into a screaming stadium of one hundred thousand people, for their first game against the Spanish football team.

“Eh, it was alright,” said quarterback Jeff Wick, “I mean, I’ve seen bigger crowds. I’m pretty much the cornerstone of this team anyway; no matter where we play I just get shit done. They might as well have just put me alone out there. I’da straight killed ‘em.”

The tension, however, did not last long. Spain’s elite forwards pressed in and scored 7 goals on an empty net before Fredonia formed a line of scrimmage. Bewildered, the Fightin’ Devils put up their best defense, running around confused for the next twenty-four minutes.

“It was like they were playing some sort of weird alien football. It was like nothing we’d ever seen before and the Spanish were just embarrassing themselves,” Said head coach Burt Reynolds, “they never once tried to touch the ball and the damn refs flagged us when we made a move to tackle them! Should’a known these Europeans would have no clue how to play football.”

The second half was met with even less success. The entirety of Spain’s team lined up in front of the empty Fredonia net and practiced trick shots while the Fightin’ Devils ran pass plays on the other side. “They didn’t even have an endzone,” whimpered Griffin Jones, linebacker, “We’d hand the ball off and run all the way down the field, but we never scored any points. What kind of game is this?!”

At the end of the day, Spain set an unprecedented record for most points ever scored in a single football match defeating the Fredonia team 387-2. The Fightin’ Devils return this Saturday to the Walmart “Stadium” to take on their Dunkirk rivals in a new season. Refreshments will be served.

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